The Three Trials · By His Authority

Trials of Devotion

Three rites, ordered as the Sanctuary received them. The lukewarm may attempt one. The faithful complete all three. Your standing shall be recorded.

I The Whack-a-Michael He appears. He vanishes. He appears again. Touch each apparition within thirty seconds. Demonstrate quickness of devotion. II The Sacred Trivia Ten questions, drawn from Scripture and the secondary commentaries. Wrong answers are not punished, only noted, in perpetuity. III The Burger Communion Tacos, burritos, and Whataburgers descend from the firmament. He must catch them all. Provide His sustenance. Do not let Him hunger.

The Devotion Tiers

Your aggregate score across the three Trials shall determine your tier.

  1. Lukewarm Acolyte
  2. Faithful
  3. Apostle of the Brisket
  4. Whale-Blood Heir
  5. True Disciple of the Cowboys Eternal

The Sanctuary does not certify scores in writing. Inscribe your own name. He will know.